Before turning my creation on I take a step back to appreciate it’s beauty. No-one else would think it beautiful, all it looked like was a box with a lot of exposed wires surrounding it. A few of these gave off periodic sparks but this was in the design. Everything was positioned just so-especially the hula girl on the control panel.
I had just successfully invented the very first time machine.
Should I call the news? I’d always wanted to be on the news for one of my inventions. But wait… What if it didn’t work? I’d better give it a test run before showing anyone else.
Shaking slightly with the excitement of the moment I typed a few commands into my tablet to send it back 7 years in the past and watched as the device began spinning slowly. Picking up speed gradually, after a minute it had become not but a bright blur of wire and metal and then-with a flash of light it was gone.
A flash of light outside my window covered by blinds signaled the sun coming out.
I walked to where the device had stood and sat down in that empty spot. I just could not stop smiling. I am the greatest. I had invented a motherfucking time machine. Take that mom. Who needs a job now?
I moved out of the spot where the machine would return and started the process to bring it back.
The sun was really beaming in through the window now, it was gonna be a hot day I would have to go out and water my lawn later. Then the sun must have graciously hidden itself behind a cloud as the machine spun back into existence in the middle of my garage.
Rubbing the device slowly I saw that the base of it had grass stains. Taking a piece of grass off the machine I smelled it. Grass from seven years ago was sitting in the palm of my hand. The joy becoming too much I gave a little victory dance around this miraculous machine. My miraculous machine. M&M&M is a good name! No- naming would have to come later.
I realized that I wanted to be the first human to time travel. What a news headline: “Dr. Strangelove Travels 500 Years Back in Time.” I’m not really a doctor but they would have to give me an honorary doctorate after this. Hell I’m going to ask for one from Harvard, Princeton and Yale.
Chuckling to myself slightly, I giddily typed in the commands to start the machine. Resting a hand near the bobbing hula girl I watched as it began rocking violently up and down as the device picked up speed. Feeling slightly sick, I closed my eyes and gripped the control panel harder and felt myself on the verge of retching when the spinning suddenly stopped.
Rubbing my hands over my eyes a few times, I began feeling a lot more nervous than excited. I was five hundred years in the past. What would I find when I opened this door? What if they thought me a wizard and beheaded me? I didn’t even think to bring a toothbrush or a granola bar!
Shrugging slightly as if to ward off the anxiety threatening to overwhelm me, I braced myself to walk out that door. I would just have a quick peek around, take something from the past and then head back to his own time zone. Yeah that’s all. A quick peek, no beheading and back in time to have a cup of tea.
As the door swung open the morning sun of a different age blinded me momentarily. The air certainly smelt different-one of roasting meats and sweat. He had landed in a forest with only trees in his vision… so where was the smell of meat coming from?
The scene that met my eyes as I stepped around the machine made my mouth drop.
Huge colored tents were erected in the midst of a vast clearing. Smoke fires rose into the air bringing with them that smell of roasting venison, mutton and other indistinguishable meats. Milling about the tents were a number of people dressed in fantastically bright clothes similar to the tents. The women wore huge, blooming dresses containing many hues and bedecked with all sorts of jewelry. The men all wore breeches, boots and more subdued colors of cloth but many carried an ominous looking sword on their hip. All of these people were talking with each other and drinking out of strange looking cups as they presumably had breakfast.
I looked down at my own clothing and laughed out loud without meaning to. I was still in my bathrobe and house slippers. Telling myself that it was fine and that I could successfully talk my way through anything. Except for that time I tried to talk myself out of getting a ticket and ended up getting arrested… But no-no-no I need confidence now! I can do this.
Trudging through the grass towards this collection of strange looking people I realized what it must be. A fair of old! Who knew they started so early? The sun had barely peeked out above the treeline. I wish I had thought to wear some proper shoes-my previously pristine white house slippers were now soaked from the morning dew and covered in green from grass stains.
I walked slowly as to not startle anyone who might see me. Sure enough, a few of the people nearest the closest tents had started to stare and point at me. I gave a smile and a little wave before remembering that these people would probably behead me if they knew who I really was. My arm dropped and the smile was replaced with a worried frown.
A pair of men broke away from the group and began walking towards me. One reached into a pocket and pulled out. No-that couldn’t be. But what else could it be? He was holding a small metal box to his ear like it was a phone. The other was holding a similar looking box and hitting it with his finger. Was I in some strange future? Were these aliens that were going to dissect me? Or had I wound up in some sort of alternate dimension where cell phones had been invented hundreds of years early?
I suddenly dropped to my knees and pulled on my beard in terror as I shouted, “WHAT YEAR IS IT?!”
One of the men said exasperatedly, “Dude we don’t open until ten A.M. I like the Robin Williams cosplay but please come back in a half hour.”