[WP] The Milky Way is controlled by an altruistic and advanced federation. When intelligent life is found, they send their agents to infiltrate them. The operative then subtly influences the natives until the species is advanced enough to join the federation. Elon Musk is the agent sent to Earth.

45 years. Nearly a half century on this backward planet. The natives had been sentient for around 200,000 years. After all that time they still didn’t even have hyperdrives and were rapidly depleting their barbaric fossil fuels used only relatively recently for energy. They were taking an extraordinary amount of time to join the galactic federation, so agents had been sent a half century back to survey the planet and why they had not joined the federation.

It was discovered that these hairy ‘human beings’, as they dubbed themselves, were not even aware of the existence of federation control over the galaxy even though we had reportedly left them very large messages on agricultural plots so that they couldn’t be missed. Somehow, hundreds of messages had either been missed or blatantly ignored so I had been sent in to expedite the process of their industrialization.

A capitalist society that propped up those with greed and toys, I was the best choice for this kind of assignment since I had spent my youth growing up in the banking system before joining the federation. My home planets are full of metal spires and opulence. The simple toys and most basic technological innovations I have given these humans are a drop in the bucket compared to what the federation utilizes.

A warning message pops up on my computer screen just as I had begun typing an encrypted message relating all of this information to my superiors located a little more than 60,000 light years away. Clicking on the little red exclamation mark in a bubble, a web page opens up to that website Reddit. From what I could remember I had been receiving positive press from the site, they had always lauded my meager scientific accomplishments. Some of them even had venerated me with a subreddit and called me things like a god and hero. If only they knew the extent of my devotion to their species. At least I was almost done, only 5 more years to go before the agent taking over phase two of the plan would arrive and I could get off this hillbilly rock surrounded by creatures with the attention span and entertainment threshold of infants.

After reading the post that created the alert, my eyes widen and my heart begins beating faster against my meat-suit. How did they discover my secret? Doesn’t matter, I answer myself as I pick up my phone. It needed to be contained. Now. Dialing 2 then hitting call, I feel an uncommon nervous sweat begin to sheen around my face. I only wait for the space of two rings when a voice picks up, “Hello, Mr. Musk, how can I be of assista-”

I cut him off in impatience due to the direness of the situation.

“Buy the site Reddit and remove any post that is not a verifiable news article. Remove all negative or conjecturally based comments. Also… Anything connecting me in any way with aliens.”

Silence on the other side of the phone for a few moments.

An unnaturally unprofessional stammer comes from the phone, “Y-Yes sir. It will be done by the end of the hour.”

I hang up, lean back and stare at the small silly looking alien sitting next to the name. If they only knew that the real thing lived among them and looked nothing like this. They’d shit themselves. Chuckling as I exit the web page to return to my report for my superiors, my thoughts return to my home planet in the banking system. Only five more years, I assure myself. In the meantime, I would have some fun being the first ‘human’ to go to mars. The only problem with that is I had already been there-oh and I’m not human of course. I had been dropped off near mars from the main attachment and continued in a one man craft.

Being the only intelligent, civilized life on a planet is an exhausting business. I can send messages off but cannot receive any. This is to protect the integrity of the mission since I won’t be thinking of home and can focus on the mission. It had worked at first, but this suspension of all information and locking me into this wretched planet definitely had caused me to care less and less about my mission. At this point, the talking apes were happy with self-driving cars. I mean, really, how lazy are these people? It seemed to be in their DNA for them to distract themselves with electronic screens and silly things in the dirt when their peers were screaming at them from the sky to join them and be a part of something better.

Their slothfulness seemed to have infected me. In the beginning of this mission, I was ecstatic to be around a whole new species and to help them as much as I could. Their apathy for the well-being of their surroundings and their fellows was disgusting. So I would do the job to the minimum requirements set down by the code set down by the federation. But these people did not deserve the advances of the likes of intergalactic travel or clean energy. They would probably weaponize it and try to take over the federation. This species was exceedingly bloodthirsty and disorganized. A single planet with hundreds of different governments and warring amongst each other and every other species living symbiotically with them.

No, they were not ready for these things yet. Maybe my successor would think differently but after my report I doubt it. Only time will tell. But Reddit won’t be telling any more truths about me.


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